Jokes | चुटकुले

--Signboard outside a..
PATHOLOGY Clinic--

For you it may be your Urine & Potty...
but
for us, it is our Dal & Roti...!!!

😜😄😀😃😜😝😝😁😜😜

Shocking Introduction at a party...
.
.
One man to another ..
Meet my wife tanya ..

2nd one : ya, I know her.

1st one : how..?

2nd one : we were caught many a times sleeping together.

1st one : Wat??? Angrily.. What the hell u r talking..??

2nd one : during lectures in science & history classes.
We were classmates.😜😜😝

Sexy secretary comes angrily out of Boss's cabin.. ♨

Staff askd:
wht hapend?

Secretary:
He asked me r u free tonight? 😜

I said yes !
Rascal gave me 60 pages to type!!!

😡😡😡😝😝😝

एक बनिया अंतिम सांसें ले रहा था, और
बोला :- मेरी बीबी कहां है ?
बीबी :- मैं यहीं हूं😭😭
बनिया :- मेरी बेटी कहां है ??
बेटी :- यहीं हूं😭😭
बनिया :- मेरा बेटा कहां है ?
बेटा :- यहीं हूं😭😭
बनिया :- सालों, सब यहीं हो तो दुकान पर कौन है😡😤
😂😂😂😂😂

Husband(अपनी diabetic बीवी से) - 'सेल्फ कण्ट्रोल तो कोई तुमसे सीखे ! मानना पड़ेगा !!!!'

बीवी (ख़ुशी व गर्व के साथ) : 'वो तो है !! पर किस बात पर ??'

Husband : 'शरीर में इतनी 'शुगर' है पर मज़ाल है कभी जुबान पर आने दी हो!!'

😜😜😄
🏃🏃🏃

Vagaries of English Language! Enjoy!!!😀😀😀

- Wonder why the word funeral starts with FUN?

- Why isn't a Fireman called a Water-man?

- How come Lipstick doesn't do what it says?

- If money doesn't grow on trees, how come Banks have Branches?

- If a Vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a Humanitarian eat?

- How do you get off a non-stop Flight?

- Why are goods sent by ship called CARGO and those sent by truck SHIPMENT?

- Why do we put cups in the dishwasher and the dishes in the Cupboard?




- Why do doctors 'practice' medicine? Are they having practice at the cost of the patients?

- Why is it called 'Rush Hour' when traffic moves at its slowest then?

- How come Noses run and Feet smell?

- Why do they call it a TV 'set' when there is only one?

- What are you vacating when you go on a vacation?

We can never find the answers, can we?

So just enjoy the pun and fun of the English language!! 😀😀

Fight between husband and wife (both with MA in English literature).
Instead of resorting to shouting, abusing or physical force...
they write poems to each other. .....

WIFE
I wrote your name on sand it got washed..
I wrote your name in air, it was blown away.
Then I wrote your name on my heart & I got Heart Attack.

HUSBAND
God saw me hungry, he created pizza.
He saw me thirsty, he created Pepsi.
He saw me in the dark, he created light.
He saw me without problems, he created YOU.

WIFE
Twinkle twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far

HUSBAND
The rain makes all things beautiful.
The grass and flowers too.
If rain makes all things beautiful
Why doesn't it rain on you?

WIFE
Roses are red; Violets are blue
Monkeys like u should be kept in zoo.

Husband
Don't feel so angry you will find me there too
Not in cage but laughing at you!!
😂🌚🤣

A plane made an emergency landing on water.
Air hostess asked the passengers to slide down to the lifeboats, but the passengers refused.
Air hostess then asked the captain to help.
The captain being very knowledgeable and experienced, guided her -
#. “You tell the Americans this is an ADVENTURE .
#. Tell the British this is an HONOUR .
#. Tell the French this is a ROMANTIC activity,
and
#. tell the Germans this is the LAW .
#. Tell the Japanese this is an ORDER , and everyone will be sorted out.”
#. Can i convince the Pakistanis
Yes dear, just whisper, ' This is a suicide mission .'
“And what about the Singaporeans?”, she persisted.
The captain, taking a deep breath, patiently explained - “You need not tell the Singaporeans anything, my dear. Once they see a QUEUE , they will join it without questions.”
Air hostess remembered the flight had some passengers from #. India. “What about them”, she asked.
The captain laughed.
“Easy. Just tell the Indians this activity is FREE .”
😜😜😱😱🤣🤣🤣

A beggar in front of a temple says ' Sir, earlier you used donate Rs.50, then reduced it to Rs. 30, then further reduced it to Rs.20 and now you are giving me only Rs.10. Why so?

The man replies 'When I was donating Rs.50, I was a bachelor, then I got married and donating Rs.30, then I had my first child and donating Rs.20, and now I had my second child, that's why I am giving only Rs.10.

Then the beggar nags ' That means your entire family is living at my mercy'

Beggar rocks...and the man shocks...

Last night I was returning from a party. I was high and saw there was a Police checking. Was scared at that very moment but then immediately got down from the driving seat and sat on the back seat.
After few mins. an officer came and asked me to move my car ahead for alcohol test.

I said: 'My driver ran away seeing you.'

He said: 'Then you move your car ahead for the checking.'

I said: 'No sir, as a true Indian citizen I should not drive, drunk.'

Officer looked at me, got emotional and applauded me for my responsible behaviour..
He sent one constable with me to drive my car home.

Kaun kehta hai peene k baad dimag kaam nahi karta ?
😜😜😜

Doctor was chasing a patient, in the hospital ward.

Matron stops the doctor and asks why he was running after the patient.

Doctor said, 'Every two months, this patient comes for brain surgery. After the haircut, he runs away.'
😂😂

Conveying is an Art !!
👌

Wife : I have good news and bad news.

Husband : I am very busy. Just give me good news.

Wife : The airbags worked properly in our new Audi.

😜😝😝

Dangerous Dosti: 👬👬👬👬👬

I reached home late and dad asked me 👴: 'Where were you?'

Me: 'Was in friend's🏡 house.'

In front of me, dad called 10 of my friends ☎.

4 of them said: 'Yes uncle, he was here'.

2 said: 'he just left, uncle'.

3 of them said: 'He is here only Uncle, 📖 studying. Shall I give him the phone?'

1 of them went an extra mile to say 'Yes dad, tell me what happened? '!!!
😂😂😂😂😂😂

LL.B. Class:

​Professor​: 'If you have to give an orange to me, what will you say?'

​Student​: 😏'Take this orange.'

​Prof​: 😡'No. Say it like a lawyer would.'

​Student​: 'I, Ramakrishna, son of Satyamurthy resident of Bangalore, Karnataka do hereby solemnly affirm & voluntarily & consciously declare out of my volition & without any fear or favour or pressure or undue influence, that I'm giving this fruit called 'orange' on which I have absolute right, title and interest, along with its peel, juice, seed and pulp.
I am also giving you absolute and unqualified right and interest to cut, peel, store in freeze or eat it.
You will also have the right to give this along with its peel, juice, seed or pulp to any one whosoever.
I further declare that I will be solely responsible and liable for any dispute till today pertaining to this orange. And after this conveyance today, my relationship with this orange will cease to exist.'

Wife- ' You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why? '

Husband - ' When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. '

Wife - ' You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you? '

Husband - ' Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, 'What other problem Can there be greater than this one?'

How things go VIRAL on Apartment Whatsapp Groups !!!

Person 1 : Hello, Did anyone spot a BAT near the swimming pool ? I really need to know .
Person 2 : What ??? 😱
Person 3 : Somebody pls inform the management office.
Person 4 : OMG ! Please don't send your kids to play downstairs today .
Person 5 : Yes ! With Nipah Virus , OH God !!! what is happening ?
Person 3 : We pay so much for maintenance and yet we have bats near pool. President should answer this.
Person 6 : Listen , if any kid gets bitten by bat , I have Ayurvedic meds
Person 3 : No ! No ! one cant just apply and should not apply anything .Just wash with soap and water. I read online about Nipah Virus !!!
Person 7 : Take him to the Doctor ASAP !
Person 3 : Take who 🤔
Person 8 : Is there a injection or medicine to prevent Nipah Virus ??? my child is only 8 months old 🙏🏼
Person 9 : I think Dr Patel in D1801 would be best to ask for next steps .
Person 2 : agreed
Person 3 : 👍🏼
Person 4 : +1
.
.
.
Person 1 : Ehh ! Guys , I was asking about my son’s Cricket Bat he left near the swimming pool last evening .

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

😂😂😂😂😂
After a Morning walk,
a Group of Doctors were standing at a road-side Restaurant enjoying a Cup of Tea..

They saw a Man limping towards them..

One Doctor said,
“ he has Arthritis in his Left Knee..'

The second said,
“ he has Plantar Faciitis..'

The third said,
“ just an Ankle Sprain..'

The fourth said,
@ see that Man cannot lift his Knee,
he looks to have Lower Motor Neurons..'

'But to me he seems a Hemiplegia Scissors Gait,'
said the fifth..

Before the sixth could proclaim his Diagnosis,
the Man reached the Group and asked,
'Is there a Cobbler nearby who can repair my Slipper.?'

*This is exactly how the Experts talk in Social Media & Television on 'covid-19' issue these days..!!*
😂😂😂😂😂🔰

In a Bar run by a Parsi, there was a new Drink on the menu : Vodka HoMi !!!

Customer : What's this Drink?

Bawa : It's a cocktail of Vodka mixed with Honey and Milk.

Customer : Why Honey ???

Bawa : Honey gives Energy

Customer : What about Milk???

Bawa : Milk will give you strength

Customer : So why Vodka?

Bawa : Gadhera!!!
Vodka will give you ideas about what to do with the Strength and Energy..!!

😃😃😜😜😜😝😝😂😂
*Good Day* 🤣🙏👍

😜आज कामवाली बाई पिछले काम के पैसे लेने आइ, कुछ एडवांस भी मांग रही थी।
😜पत्नी बोली --तुझे पूरे पैसे दूंगी, लेकिन वापस काम पर जब आएगी तो ऐसे ही झाड़ू पोंछा लगाना देख कैसे चमक रहा है मेरा घर।
😜कामवाली --मरद का हाथ तो मरद का ही होता है न भाभी।

In a ladies KITTY PARTY MEETING :
The host asked a question !

When did u last say
I LOVE YOU to ur husbands ??

One said..today..
other said...2 days back.....
someone said...1 week back...

Host : ' Now, all of u send I LOVE YOU ..
msg to ur husbands.
Who ever gets AWESOME reply will get a SURPRISE GIFT.!

Everyone started sent
I LOVE U
msg to their husbands.

After sometime, HUSBAND'S
replies are as below.....

Person 1 :
SWEETY.... Is ur health condition Ok??? 😝😝😝😝

Person 2 : Have You Not cooked Food Today Too?😊😊

Person 3 : Darling,
R u out of balance for the money given for home maintenance?
😅😅😅

Person 4 :
What's the matter??

Person 5 :
R u dreaming or am I?
😜😜😜

Person 6 : Did u like someone's Jewelry in the function u attended today?💍

Person 7 : I am already tensed in Office n now u r sending msgs like this...
do u have brain?
😝😜😛

Person 8 : How many times did I tell you not to watch those serials ?? 😛😛😛

Person 9 : Oho..did u have an accident again ....With My Car...? 😳😳😳😳😳

Person 10 :
Should I pick kids from school today also??
😀😀😀😀

Last - who won SURPRISE GIFT,
And msg is........

Person 11 :
who is dis ..sending msg frm my wife mobile???
😕😕😕😕😕😕

गजब का वायरस है कोरोना..
पहले क्या कम दूरियां थी लोगों के बीच.. जो और बढ़ा दी!! 😢😢

हे मांसाहारीओं!
करोड़ों अरबों पशु पक्षियों जीव जंतुओं की
रक्षा के लिये…. कोरोना ने अवतार लिया है…!!

जहां नहीं थी करुणा वहां फैला ‘कोरोना’
इसीलिये सभी जीवों पर करुणा… करो ना! 🙋🙏🙋

दोस्तों… ये वक्त जागरूक और जिम्मेदार बनने का है
“कोरोना” एक गंभीर बीमारी है..
जिसे स्वछता, साफ सफाई और जागरूकता से हमें..
सभी देशवासियों को मिलजुलकर हराना है!

छींक आने अब Sorry की जगह God Bless You बोलने का दौर आ गया!

कोरोना बहुत ही स्वाभिमानी और आत्मसम्मान से भरा हुआ वायरस है।
वो तब तक आपके घर नहीं आएगा जब तक आप उसे लेने खुद बाहर नहीं निकलते।
घर पर ही रहे… उसे लेने बाहर न जाए।

कोरोना से डरें नहीं सतर्क रहें..
बस यूं समझो जैसे बीवी सो रही हो
और पड़ोसन नींबू मांगने आ गई हो! 😂

कोरोना मास्क की वजह से लिपिस्टिक की बिक्री में आयी भारी गिरावट! 😂

ब्रेकिंग न्यूज़
कोरोना की वजह से महिलाएं नहीं बाना पा रही है झुंड
चुगली में आई भारी गिरावट..!! 😜😂

अगर ब्यूटी पार्लर इसी तरह कुछ दिन और बंद रहे तो
आपको कोरोना से भी खतरनाक चीजें देखने को मिलेगी! 💁😛

चीनी बिमारी कोरोना का बहिष्कार करें
स्वदेशी अपनाएं डेगु मलेरिया से मरे!! 😀😀

कोरोना के डर से इतनी भी दूरी ना बनाएं कि
आपका बाबू किसी और के काबू में ना आ जाए फिर मत कहना कि बताया नही!

आज कौन-कौन घर पर ही है।
अपनी हाज़िरी लगवाइये ✋ हमें #कोरोना को हर हाल में हराना है! ✊

बस एक बार ये “कोरोना वायरस” खत्म हो जाये।
फिर मैं चीन जाकर, सबको दाल चावल बनाना सिखायूंगा।
साले कुछ भी खाते है। 😊😁😊